LOSS AND LIFE

 

I HEART LOW EXPOSURE PICTURES :))

Hey, it's been awhile! I decided to come on here today and write up a little something because I think I've been through some life changing points very recently that should be talked about and reflected on. Brain dumping and pouring out my thoughts especially through words is something i always find very helpful during confusing and difficult times, so that's what I'm gonna try and do today! Please bear with me :))

Losing someone sucks. Losing someone that's been in your life all these while is the worst thing ever. It just feels wrong. Something is missing. Although its been awhile since the news came and we wrapped everything up, I realised I still haven't fully come to terms with it all? Sometimes I catch myself thinking; "Wait, he isn't here anymore?" And that one simple phrase always manages to throw me off my guard. I learned that you never realised the gravity someone's presence has on you until their not there anymore. Even though I never saw him everyday, I didn't talk to him everyday, I never called him everyday, I didn't think about him 24/7, the thing is, he was always there. Just existing in the background whether i actively acknowledge it or not. His constant presence in my life was comforting and safe. I knew he was there. But now, he is not there. He is gone. There is nothing I can say to him anymore and there is nothing he can tell me anymore The constant bridge that has always been there has now snapped into two. I cannot get cross it to get to the other side. It is silent on the other side. I cannot tell him anything. I still find it hard to comprehend. I miss him so much. I miss him just being there, dealing with me, talking to me, caring for me, giving me advice, looking out for me. But that constant thing is there no longer and everything feels wrong. Something is missing. Its no longer the same. I want to tell him so many things. My new experiences, how I'm doing in school, how Bailey is doing and everything in between. I want to exchange experiences and stories. I want to continue to grow and learn from him. How do I accept that someone I've known my entire life isn't there anymore?? I hope this is a question that I'll be able to find an answer to as time passes and life continues to go on and on and on. 

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot 

And the days of auld lang syne?"

"For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

We'll drink a cup of kindness yet

For auld lang syne."

Dear AhKong, I love you so much. I am sorry for not being the best granddaughter. I am sorry for wronging you and hating you once upon a time. I was stupid. Thank you for being the best grandfather ever. Thank you for rotan-ing me and scolding me and making fried egg and onion and rice for me and always buying our meals from the coffeeshop. Thank you for letting me try coffee for the first time (a tsp from ur coffee cup even when i wasn't allowed!).Thank you for caring for me and looking after me and always giving me good advice. Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today. Thank you for being in my life and I hope you find peace and rest well. 

XOXO ANNABEL